An Open Letter From The Divorcee Support Group
Unimony: Reframing Commitment Beyond Matrimony and Patrimony
The monthly Rites of Passage series started with a support group for women transitioning through divorce and has grown into a place of profound wisdom about relationships. Below you will read their earned wisdom that they allowed me to synthesize as a call to action for everyone recovering from the ending of a relationship. Click on the PDF to download a relational journal to facilitate a broken heart or as a prelude to a new relationship.
For Whom We Are Concerned:
We see you. We are you. We too believed in the myths of marriage in America, those romanticized ideals of eternal love, stability, and partnership that don’t align with reality. The national divorce rate consistently hovers above 50%, yet we internalized and experienced a society that treats divorce as a personal failure rather than an expected outcome in a flawed system. And it showed up as shame. But it also gave us a chance to reflect.
It’s true that many people enter marriage prematurely, influenced by social pressure, religious expectations, or a desire for security, rather than a deep understanding of themselves and their partner. The traditional structures of matrimony and patrimony, with their rigid roles and outdated assumptions, often set couples up for failure. We did not fail! We tried our best … for years! We endured unforgettable traumas in the name of marriage. We never thought our fundamental differences would be harmful because we wanted acceptance and so we accepted. But in the end, it still felt like a personal, moral failing. In railing against that, we decided that it’s time for a new approach, one that emphasizes conscious commitment over obligation, accountability over endurance.
Enter unimony.
why do we say “holy matrimony?”
Marriage, as historically constructed, is not a union of equals. According to the internet, matrimony, rooted in the Latin matrimonium, emphasizes the mother’s role and the transfer of dowries, reinforcing transactional relationships. We mused that if we had to say “holy patrimony,” maybe there would be more equality. But no. Patrimony, from patrimonium, centers on inheritance and the passing of wealth through male lineage. Neither term captures the balance required for a thriving partnership. Instead, marriage has been shaped by patriarchal, economic, and religious influences that prioritize social stability over individual well-being.
How does that show up in practice? Well, traditional marriage often leads to inequitable labor distribution, with women (or those designated into feminine roles) bearing the brunt of emotional and household responsibilities while also working outside the home. We don’t have time to get into why or how that happened, but we will also point out that men don’t fair better. Men often feel disconnected from family life, struggling to find a meaningful role beyond financial provision. These dynamics reveal deep structural flaws in the way marriage is approached. That’s what prompted us to look at the underlying issues and what might be better.
Let’s be clear: we’re not rebranding marriage. Unimony is a fundamental rethinking of what it means to commit. It shifts the focus from transactional relationships (what one provides) to interdependent, conscious unions (who one is). Unimony rejects outdated gender roles and instead fosters mutual accountability, emotional intelligence, and personal growth within relationships.
A unimonious partnership is built on:
Equilibrium of energies: Moving beyond gendered expectations to honor both partners’ strengths and contributions.
Transparency: No hidden assumptions! Both partners engage in ongoing conversations about their evolving needs and boundaries.
Personal accountability: No overcompensating for a partner’s inadequacies; each person does their own work to be whole.
Intentional commitment: A relationship rooted in conscious choice rather than societal expectation.
Respectful dissolution when necessary: An understanding that ending a relationship is not failure, but a shift in alignment.
Unlike traditional marriage, which often prioritizes longevity over quality, unimony encourages self-awareness before and throughout the commitment. This model acknowledges that not all relationships should be maintained indefinitely. Sometimes, people grow in different directions, and that’s okay!
For fellow divorcees, unimony offers a path forward without shame. Instead of viewing a past marriage as a failure, individuals can recognize it as a step in their personal evolution.
For those considering remarriage, unimony provides a framework for deeper self-reflection and compatibility assessment (see PDF below). Before entering another union, ask yourself: Have I fully processed my past relationship patterns? Am I choosing this person from a place of wholeness, not fear or societal pressure? Do we complement each other’s strengths and deficiencies without codependency? Are we entering this union with shared values and clear expectations?
Marriage, as traditionally structured, often fails to account for the complexities of human relationships. That’s why we propose unimony as an alternative that prioritizes emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and mutual accountability. It allows individuals to step into commitment with clarity rather than coercion, and if the relationship no longer serves both partners, it offers a way to part with dignity rather than destruction.
The goal is not to abolish commitment, but to redefine it. To create partnerships that honor the full spectrum of what it means to be human. Whether individuals choose to remarry, remain single, or build relationships outside of traditional marriage, unimony offers a lens through which we can do so consciously, without shame or societal obligation.
Marriage should not be a contract people feel pressured to sign or a burden they struggle to endure. It should be a conscious choice, entered with self-awareness, mutual respect, and a commitment to personal and relational growth. That is the promise of unimony.
